In the words of a 3-year-old...

Mr. B is quite chatty these days and everything seems to be followed up with "Why?"  My favorite things he's said JUST TODAY...

*We get home from school and he says to me, "Oh Mommy, you're so glad I'm here."
*"Mommy, your face is yucky."  Thanks for pointing it out, buddy.
*He finds a penny in my purse and screams in the Tufts Animal Hospital lobby, "Ohhh Mommy, you got money for me!"
*He looks at a vending machine and goes (nice and loud so other people could hear), "Where's the beer?"

In the meantime, he has a nice little cut right under his left eye where Gracie bit him last night.

~E

Reality Check...

This afternoon I pulled up in the hubby's blacked out Escalade to pick Bentley up from school.  Not your typical "Mom" ride with its after-market parts and beefy, loud engine.  Gracie and I were listening to a little Stevie Nicks during the short ride.  I jumped out in the rain and crowded into the school lobby with all of the other Mom's...and had a much needed reality check.  While my baby girl  waited patiently in the blacked out SUV listening to classic tunes because I didn't want to drag her out in the rain, I looked around the lobby at all of the other Moms - their rain gear, their dry and done hair, their Crocs and JCrew-looking attire.  I am certainly the "different" one in my ripped jeans, black skull scarf, and tattoos all over.  But it doesn't bother me.  The teachers were calling the kids' names and Bentley was next, with his spiked hair and shirt with a mustache on it.  The other kids came quietly out to their Moms, but not my little man.  Just like every other day - he came sprinting out with the biggest smile on his face, laughing, and jumped into my arms.  I scooped him up and he gave me a kiss as he quietly said "Oh, I like your dress, Mommy" and rubbed my shoulder.  It was a sweater but what does it matter.  He then asked for Gracie and said "Can we go dance?"  We climbed into the loud, ghetto-ed out SUV as I asked him what he wanted to dance to...and my heart was warm when he said "Tom Petty."  I've been recording live concerts and we have music/dance sessions during the day where we crank the TV and bang on the Tupperware.  I'm not so much your "Wheels on the Bus" kinda Mom if you haven't figured that out yet.  But you know what, when the teacher tells me at Bentley's parent-teacher conference that he is such a happy, sweet, inquisitive boy; and he runs out to me every day I pick him up with the biggest smile and he laughs and jumps into my arms, who really cares about much else?

So we ran into the house, we turned on Tom Petty w/Stevie Nicks, and we danced and banged on Tupperware before quiet time.  It was just the reality check I needed.  And when he asked me to lay down with him and of course I did...he rubbed my cheek and said "oh, it's OK, honey..." (where he picked this one up I have no idea) and continued with a string of compliments for his Mama..."Mommy, I like your sweater...Bentley, I like your shirt...ya Mommy it's my mustache shirt...Mommy, you have nice hair (as he brushes away my bangs)...buddy you have great hair...Mommy, I like your earrings...bud, you have such nice eyes..."  And he gave me a big smooch on the lips.

We didn't put the Tupperware and spoons away, they are sitting neatly on the coffee table for whatever concert he wants to watch later...Petty, DMB, Tim McGraw, John Fogherty...

~E

FAITH

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
And

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, i will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, i will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me
*John Hiatt, Have a Little Faith in Me


~E

Serenity

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

~E

Learn to Fly.

Well the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out, for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down

Over my troubles
Over my worries

One day I'll learn to fly
And I'll fly over my worries
I'll fly over my troubles

I'll fly over my troubles
I'll fly over my worries
*The GREAT Tom Petty*

~E

I Will Not Be Broken...

Give and you give and you give till it's gone
then the people you fight hardest for say you're wrong
before me flash all of my memories and days
so don't stand insincere at the side of my grave

I will not be broken
I won't be turned away
When it's too cold to breathe
and too dark to pray
I will not be broken

I go too far then I go further still
Time starts to collapse leaves a void none can fill
Nothing you can say to hurt me with your forked tongue
Through blood shot eyes I watch the world come undone

I will not be broken
I won't be turned away
When it's too cold to breathe
and too dark to pray

I've come too far to give up
or to be turned around
I will not be broken
I will not go down

I will not be broken
I won't be turned away
When it's too cold to breathe
and too dark to pray

I've come too far to give up
or to be turned around
I will not be broken
I will not go down
*Ben Harper, I Will Not Be Broken


~E

Happy Ever After.

To my babies...

The morning sunrise spread her wings 
While the moon hung in the sky 
Held the sea in your hands 
And happy everafter in your eyes 

Couldn't leave you to go to heaven 
I carry you in my smile 
For the first time my true reflection I see 
Happy everafter in your eyes 

Every star in the night 
Promises the dawn 
I will be there if you fall 
To ever so heavily rest upon 

All that I can give you 
Is forever yours to keep 
Wake up every day with a dream 
And happyever after in your eyes 

Happy everafter is in your eyes
*Ben Harper, Happy Ever After In Your Eyes


~E

RIP Crash

In the wake of the news of Hurley's cancer returning, I cannot forget about another dear boy who lost his fight to cancer.  I feel lucky that the majority of my BF's are also animal lovers ~ those furballs are our family and when we get together we often times get our animals together to play as well. 
 
Crash was a sweet 13 year-old kitty who was the apple of his Mommy and Daddy's eye.  Their baby, just as Hurley is one of our babies.  Little Crash's health started to deteriorate and he was diagnosed with cancer and given a short period of time to live...unfortunately for Crash, unlike Hurley, there weren't any options for chemo or other treatments to help him.  Yesterday his health took a turn for the worst and my dear friends knew it was time.  They knew it was time to set him free from his pain and made the excruciating, devastating, unselfish decision to let him go...thinking only of his best interest.  They were there for him until the end, like any loving Mommy and Daddy would be, as he took his last breath.

 

Crash is free of his pain now, leaving his Mommy and Daddy devastated.  He was a character and a little gentleman.  He is free to climb up on all the counters he wants or curl up in any and every fruit bowl, sink, or basket he can find in heaven.  And he will rock a bowtie like no other kitty can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crash, AKA Bunks, is now free of pain and at the Rainbow Bridge...

 

 

He is waiting at the Rainbow Bridge to see his beloved Mommy and Daddy again someday... "And when I close my eyes I see you, No matter where I am, I know soon we'll be together, And I can't wait till then, I can't wait till then..." *Zac Brown Band, Colder Weather*   "The perfect Mother lets the cat sleep on her head." *Susan Griffin* Little Crash had the perfect Mommy & Daddy to love him ~ yes, he slept on her head.

A Pets Prayer If it should be, that I grow frail and weak, And pain should keep me from my sleep, Then, you must do what must be done For this, the last battle, can't be won. Don't let your grief stay your hand, For this day more than the rest, Your love and friendship stand the test. We've had so many years, What is to come can hold no fear. You'd not want me to suffer, so When the time comes, please let me go. Take me where my needs they'll tend, Only, stay with me to the end And hold me firm and speak to me Until my eyes no longer see. I know in time you'll see it is a kindness you do for me Although my tail its last has waved, From pain and suffering I've been saved. Don't grieve it should be you who this thing decides to do. We've been so close, we two, these years, Don't let your heart hold tears. SMILE, FOR WE WALKED TOGETHER FOR AWHILE. *Author Unknown*   

To my dear friends during this difficult time...remember that you gave that little gentleman the best gift anyone ever could...unconditional love...and he returned it for you, even upon his last breath.  He will always be with you, in your heart and soul.  As your loving friends, we feel your pain with you.

 

Rest in Peace, Crash.
We love you,
~E, Chris, Bentley, Gracie, & Hurley

We Won't Give Up...

Last night we talked and decided the next course of action for Hurley.  I have to be honest - I/We contemplated doing nothing and letting him live out the rest of his days as comfortable as we would be able to keep him.  But ultimately, he's not ready to leave us.  He shows no signs of sickness, not a single symptom - he's a friggin ox.  And that's what made our decision.  If he was sick in any way it would have been another story.  But not our Hurley - he's a fighter.  We decided the "rescue" protocols weren't for him - maybe IF we get to that point - but not yet.  We did consider CCNU, which is a chemo pill he would take every 3 weeks BUT it only has a 30% chance of being effective.  So how can we give up on him when he's not ready to give up?  So another round of chemo it is - he will go through another 15 weeks of chemo and we are hopeful that he will respond well with minimal side effects, as he did the first time.  Thursdays were chemo days during round 1, and it worked out that Thursdays are chemo days again.  He was at Tufts today starting round 2.  The nodes in his neck as well as behind his right knee are enlarged.  He will go back on Prednisone and have weekly appointments alternating between chemo and exams.  We are also changing his food.  He's just not ready and we feel that when he is, he will tell us - but we aren't there yet.  When he is ready we will do what we have to do for him, always with his best interest as the priority.  Yes, we are just postponing the inevitable but we know our dog and will do what we can for him until his time comes.  Not today my sweet Hurley boy, and not without a fight.  We won't give up...

                             When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

*Jason Mraz ~ I Won't Give Up*

Keep up the fight my sweet boy, and we will fight for you until you tell us it's your time...

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.” 
*Anatole France

~E

A Dog's Life

My friend shared this with me...
 

Why Dogs Don't Live As Long As People

 

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners; Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.
 
I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane could learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me - I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.  He said, "Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving everybody and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." 
*Linda Bobo*
 
~E 

To My Hurley, My First Born.

I am not shy in calling Hurley my "first born."  I have two children but to me, I actually have THREE.  This "dog" is so much more than a dog to me - he is a tried & true best friend.  He taught me how to be a Mom, and he taught me how to love unconditionally.  There is no better gift in the world than the love of these THREE kids I have.  He has been there for me whenever I need him and always knows when those times are - without words he never fails to come sit with me when he knows his Mama needs him.  He just senses it.  He has been with me through so much, the love I have for him is truly indescribable. 

"You can't buy loyalty, they say,
I bought it though, the other day;
You can't buy friendship, tried and true,
Well just the same, I bought that too.
I made my bid, and on the spot
Bought love and faith and a whole job lot
Of happiness, so all in all
The purchase price was pretty small.
I bought a single trusting heart,
That gave devotion from the start.
If you think these things are not for sale,
Buy a brown-eyed puppy with a stump for a tail."

*Anonymous*

TO MY DEAREST HURLEY, MY FIRST BORN:

 ~ I love you for the most aggressive and wild bum wiggle I have ever seen.  You can knock over anything in your way to get to the target of that wiggle - whether a person or a toy.

 ~ I love you for always being so happy to see us...even if we've only been gone for 10 minutes.

~ I love you for being so loving and protective while I was pregnant, then being a team player and getting hurt in order to stress me out and send me into labor with Bentley.

~ I love you for knowing that your human brother and sister were coming and waiting so nicely for them.  You knew so well that on the day I went into labor with Bentley you sat in the chair in his room as if to give me a sign that was the day.  You sat for weeks by my feet while pregnant with Gracie and just shook because you could sense the time was coming.

~ I love you for loving Bentley and Gracie and being SUCH a good big brother.

~ I love you for your snaggle teeth & smile.

~ I love you for the way you smell when you sleep.  If I could bottle that smell I would.

~ I love you for being such an odd ball that your favorite place to hide out is in the back corner of our closet - and you let me share it and lay with you when I need to.

~ I love you for your drooly shoe strings, even when they gross out other people.  And you drool at the sight of "people" food.

~ I love how you always sneak in bed at night.  And when you get into something you shouldn't or sneak someplace else you shouldn't, I still love you.

~ I love you for snuggling with me in the morning after Daddy gets out of bed and heads off to work.

~ I love how you "own" the stairs.  You are the master stair guardian.

~ I love you for the funny noises you make - snoring, snorting, and other weird things when you're playing.

~ I love you for the way you destroy the sand box when the kids are playing in it.

~ I love you for your adorable yawns with the biggest curling tongue I have ever seen.
~ I love you for sneezing in anyone's face when you want something.

 ~ I love you for how incredibly handsome, good looking, and photogenic you are.  You even indulged me by letting me hire a professional photographer to take your pictures.

~ I love how you lounge around and let it all hang out like a true man.

~ I love you for being such a goofball and freaking out at things like tape measures, flames, moving funiture, a clicking pen...the list could go on. 

~ I love how you love the lint roller and every time I lint roll myself you stand there and wait for me to lint roll you - and like a crazy person I always tell you, "don't worry, I'll do you next." 

~ I love how you come prancing into the bathroom when I'm blow drying my hair so that you can get a little of the warm breeze, then run away like you're scared all of the sudden when the air hits you.  

~ I love how you want me to comb your fur as I'm brushing my hair and sit there staring at me until I give in.

~ I love how when you were a puppy (you still are to me) you always slept on your back.

~ I love you for being a team player and letting me do crazy things to you like dress you up in costumes for Halloween.

~ I love how you get runny noses like 'real people' do.  My boogie face!

~ I love that you are probably one of the only bulldogges on the planet that swims...and loves sun.  You could sun yourself for hours.

~ I love you because even though we (I) torture you with outfits sometimes, you still help around the house with things like cleaning up after the kids' mealtimes. I love you for that.

~ I love you for running this house like you pay the mortgage...and I'm too obsessed with you to care.

~ I love you for your big brown puppy dog eyes that melt my heart every time I see you.

~ I love you for being Bentley's "best friend."  Every day he tells me you are his best friend and every morning he greets you with a kiss and says "I missed you, buddy - I love you."

~ I love that because of YOU one of Bentley's first words was "dog."  You have had an amazing impact on your brother's life and brought him so much joy.

~ I love you for sharing your home with Hopie even though it caused you stress.  You knew that she was a bully in need and were strong and giving enough to share me with her for the time she had.  I believe everything happens for a reason and although I am struggling now to find a reason for your diagnosis I realize the reason Hopie found us and came into our lives was to prepare me for your diagnosis.

~ I love you for loving us unconditionally!

Pieces taken from my original ODE TO HURLEY on his third birthday.

Mommy promises that no matter how difficult it will be for me, I will only make decisions for you moving forward that are in YOUR best interest.  That is my job as your Mommy.  No matter what, I will always put your best interest FIRST, no matter how excruciating it will be for me.  Although many people don't understand, I love you more than life itself and would do anything for you.  I would take the cancer on myself if I could.

I love you from the deepest depths of my soul, forever and always.  You are truly my soul's fur-mate.  You have given me more happiness that I could ever imagine or repay.

~Mommy
 
 
      

The Cancer is BACK.

Over the weekend my friend was over, who also happens to be Hurley's chemo tech.  She noticed the lymph nodes in his neck seemed a little larger.  Over the next two days, I noticed as well.  First thing yesterday when Tufts opened we were there.  I knew in my heart the news was not going to be good (Mom instinct) and sure enough when the oncologist called she uttered the words "he is out of remission."  I'm not sure what I heard after that.  I tried to keep it together as I took notes of what our options were going to be. I called Chris and went to pick him up at the job site right away as we made an appointment with the oncologist.

Our options are as follows:
1. Repeat the VELCAP chemo protocol we just went through.  They like to see patients remain in remission for 3-4 months when they finish but Hurley only lasted for 2 months. Remember, his cancer is stage 5a = not good.  This would be a repeat of 15 weeks of injectable chemo for him and if he responds, he will probably only get 1 month clearance (that is IF he responds and goes back into remission) when chemo stops.  We could then opt for "maintenance" chemo as long as he is responsive.  But reality is that eventually their bodies build up tolerance to these meds.
2. Rescue protocol MOPP.  This is a combination of at home pills and injectable chemo.
3. Rescue protocol CCNU.  This is an oral form of chemo every 3 weeks.  It is about 30% effective and could cause a drop of his white cell count, making him subject to infection so he would be on antibiotics as well.
4. Rescue protocol of an "investigational" drug.  The cost is free because it is investigational but there is little information about its success rate and side effects.
5. Do nothing except give him prednisone - this would give him anywhere from 4-8 weeks to live.

When we got home all I could muster up was the strength to lay in bed with him for the night and cry.  Tonight we will make a decision as to what the next step is. 

So many questions...How do you find hope when it seems there is none?  How do you remain positive when you know the ultimate outcome?  Are we just delaying the inevitable, and how fair is that to Hurley?  How much is it fair to put him through?  How do you keep the faith when it seems all faith is lost? How do you even comprehend explaining to your three-year-old when his "best friend" passes away - when he wakes up every day and gives that "best friend" a kiss and tells him "I missed you, buddy; I love you..."  How do you stay strong for your kids on the outside when you are broken inside?

I believe in signs.  The first big holiday after my Gram passed many years ago - Thanksgiving - a bunch of turkeys showed up in our yard.  It was as if she sent them to say "I'm OK and I'm with you."  To this day I see random turkeys at the oddest times.  When I was having difficulty at my old corporate job there are several days I left work to see a bunch of turkeys in the parking lot.  Yesterday after I picked Chris up from work I don't think it was coincidence that a lone turkey passed in front of our car.  It may sound crazy to some, but to me its a sign that I am not alone. 

Tonight we will have the discussion of what the next step will be for Hurley.  All I care about is him and what is BEST for HIM and HIM ONLY.

~E

Franklin Park Zoo

We took the kids with the Riley gang to Franklin Park Zoo recently.  The kids and adults had a blast. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better yet...here are the young lovebirds Bentley & Sammy...gazing into each other's eyes, simultaneous nose picking and sippy cup drinking, taking some "rides" together, and having stroller races..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~E