The Cancer is BACK.

Over the weekend my friend was over, who also happens to be Hurley's chemo tech.  She noticed the lymph nodes in his neck seemed a little larger.  Over the next two days, I noticed as well.  First thing yesterday when Tufts opened we were there.  I knew in my heart the news was not going to be good (Mom instinct) and sure enough when the oncologist called she uttered the words "he is out of remission."  I'm not sure what I heard after that.  I tried to keep it together as I took notes of what our options were going to be. I called Chris and went to pick him up at the job site right away as we made an appointment with the oncologist.

Our options are as follows:
1. Repeat the VELCAP chemo protocol we just went through.  They like to see patients remain in remission for 3-4 months when they finish but Hurley only lasted for 2 months. Remember, his cancer is stage 5a = not good.  This would be a repeat of 15 weeks of injectable chemo for him and if he responds, he will probably only get 1 month clearance (that is IF he responds and goes back into remission) when chemo stops.  We could then opt for "maintenance" chemo as long as he is responsive.  But reality is that eventually their bodies build up tolerance to these meds.
2. Rescue protocol MOPP.  This is a combination of at home pills and injectable chemo.
3. Rescue protocol CCNU.  This is an oral form of chemo every 3 weeks.  It is about 30% effective and could cause a drop of his white cell count, making him subject to infection so he would be on antibiotics as well.
4. Rescue protocol of an "investigational" drug.  The cost is free because it is investigational but there is little information about its success rate and side effects.
5. Do nothing except give him prednisone - this would give him anywhere from 4-8 weeks to live.

When we got home all I could muster up was the strength to lay in bed with him for the night and cry.  Tonight we will make a decision as to what the next step is. 

So many questions...How do you find hope when it seems there is none?  How do you remain positive when you know the ultimate outcome?  Are we just delaying the inevitable, and how fair is that to Hurley?  How much is it fair to put him through?  How do you keep the faith when it seems all faith is lost? How do you even comprehend explaining to your three-year-old when his "best friend" passes away - when he wakes up every day and gives that "best friend" a kiss and tells him "I missed you, buddy; I love you..."  How do you stay strong for your kids on the outside when you are broken inside?

I believe in signs.  The first big holiday after my Gram passed many years ago - Thanksgiving - a bunch of turkeys showed up in our yard.  It was as if she sent them to say "I'm OK and I'm with you."  To this day I see random turkeys at the oddest times.  When I was having difficulty at my old corporate job there are several days I left work to see a bunch of turkeys in the parking lot.  Yesterday after I picked Chris up from work I don't think it was coincidence that a lone turkey passed in front of our car.  It may sound crazy to some, but to me its a sign that I am not alone. 

Tonight we will have the discussion of what the next step will be for Hurley.  All I care about is him and what is BEST for HIM and HIM ONLY.

~E