Everyone knows about Hope by now. Before my girl arrived to us she survived severe dehydration and respiratory infection, as well as had a ruptured eye that developed into glaucoma and had diabetes. Upon arrival we learned she also had two mammary tumors that had a 50 percent chance of being cancerous. We did all we could to treat her diabetes but it was in and out of control. I gave her insulin shots twice a day. She was also severely underweight so we were feeding her 4x/day and had recently started adding boiled chicken to her meals.
Within about a week or two of her arrival we had her left/glaucoma eye removed due to the severe pressure/pain. She had been on pain meds for awhile to help manage it, as well as several drops multiple times a day. After surgery, she had pain meds, anti-inflammatory meds, and antibiotics. Two weeks after surgery we went to have her stitches removed.
That was her first night without pain medication. Chris and I heard her whimpering all night and knew something was wrong. The next morning when I went to get her she slowly came out of her crate but wouldn't go near her food, which was a huge red flag. Then she went and sat on "her" chair in the office and was shaking out of control. I had to leave for the day but had babysitters here, so I drew up her insulin, asked them to keep an eye on her, and called the vet as soon as they opened. She ended up eating a little bit so we were instructed to give her half of her insulin. Not long after she started becoming very lethargic and losing all bowel control. I was at an appointment and Chris rushed home to get her to the vet. She spent the day there for testing and observation.
We went to pick her up that night and although she had eaten some and perked up, her blood sugar was high. We took her home awaiting some test results. At about 9PM the vet called to report her X-ray results...1) She had arthritis in her spine and shoulder, 2) She had what they called "fusion to her ribs" either caused by trauma or arthritis, 3) She had "kissing bones" in her spine which meant two of her vertebrae were rubbing bone on bone. There was also a "suspicious" spot on her lungs they wanted to watch and X-ray again in a couple of weeks. Immediately we were concerned that her sudden overnight whimpering after coming off of her pain meds was due to these arthritic conditions. The next morning another vet called with her labwork - she had elevated liver and pancreas levels meaning 1) hepatitis and 2) pancreatitis. I told the vet how I was concerned that we'd only heard her crying once at night and it happened to be the first night off her pain meds post-surgery - then we found out the next night that she had these bone/joint issues. I was told to up her pain meds by doubling the dose to 3x per day instead of 1 pill 2x per day. I was uncomfortable with that much medication for her as I saw for weeks how sleepy the one pill made her so I said for now I was only going to start with 2 pills in the AM and 2 in the PM. I was also instructed to check her glucose levels 3x per day over the weekend - as I did, they revealed that her diabetes was severely out of control. Her numbers were into the 500's and one reading was so high it was off the meter and just read "HI." I had been sleeping on the floor next to her crate for nights as I was so concerned. That Sunday night she began losing bowel control again, and going to the bathroom in extreme amounts without even realizing it. The next morning as she would usually come happily out of her crate to greet Chris for her morning pee, as I was sleeping next to her we had to drag her out of the crate to go outside.
It was a devastating few days to watch and with Chris' help and support, I knew it was time to let her go. I didn't want to under any circumstance. We would spend any amount of money to "fix" her issues, or any amount of time or effort for either she or Hurley - but there was nothing left we could do. I knew she was suffering. I made a promise to myself and to Hope when I first learned of her medical issues back in November upon saving her from the shelter that if at any point I thought she was in pain or suffering, no matter how difficult for me, I vowed that I would set her free of that pain and let her go in peace.
I called the vet (a private 3 vet practice) and the vet I spoke with agreed with our choice and made an appointment at 1:30 with her primary vet. The kids left the house as I did not want them exposed to the energy or my emotions, and I spent the day with her. We arrived at the vet and the tech walked us right into a room and put a blanket on the floor. From there - we were completely blindsided as her vet walked in the room, admitted that she had an emotional attachment to Hope, that she would not put her down, and apparently this appointment was just a consultation. We were furious as I sat on the floor with her, hysterical. Our opinions and what we had seen this poor sweet girl go through in the last few days were blatantly disregarded. From there, we were asked if they could have about an hour to run her blood sugar and meet a woman from a local rescue who worked solely with sick animals to potentially take her. We felt stuck, so we sat at a restaurant until they called. Chris spoke to her vet, as I did later, and 1) they asked us for a couple of days with her to see if they could get her diabetes under control as this could all be due to that (well I've known this dog since November and her diabetes has been in and out of control, so I was still firm in my decision), and 2) this woman from the rescue agreed that she could take her and was confident she could find her a foster home within a couple of days. WHAT? So you are asking us to put this girl through more tests, send her to another home for her to suffer more - with someone who does not know her to the extent I do, for her to become emotionally attached to someone else, or have someone else become attached to her and if the time came either NOT make the decision to set her free or to have the burden of that decision? Feeling stuck, we left her for the night and Chris drove all of her medicines and food to the vet.
Those of you who know me and know my love of animals know how treacherous, torturing, traumatizing this decision was for me. But I VOWED, I PROMISED to take care of her as best I could and that is she was ever suffering I would let her go in peace. In the meantime, I was being tortured and harrassed by these women in GA who originally helped me resuce her because I felt an obligation to them to share her status and my ultimate decision. I cannot go into details as it is too difficult but it was straight up horriffic the things they said. This was MY GIRL, I MADE THIS PROMISE TO HER and as it tore me apart more than anyone will ever know, I was going to stand by it as I knew it was best FOR HER and that's all I cared about. So screw the vets, screw the GA ladies, Chris called the vet and said we were coming to get her. For my own peace of mind, I needed to speak with who I felt like was the only reasonable vet left in the practice to tell her that they've known me for 5 years and how horrible, unprofessional, and unethical we were treated.
From there, we took her to Tufts. I cannot put into words or relive that experience - but it was likely THE MOST traumatic experience of my life. I've lived through a lot in my 31 years but at this age I am much more aware of my emotions, my decisions, and I was with this girl looking her in the eyes, screaming, and holding her as she went to heaven...
I don't know how long I was there on top of her before Chris, devastated himself, was trying to drag me off, or I would NEVER have left. I have not been able to let go of her collar and am dealing as best I can.
Ultimately I know that she and I found each other for a reason, were destined to be in each other's lives, were soulmates in a way that most people will never understand; and it was my promise to free her of her pain. I will meet her again on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, for anyone that knows that poem.
I am awaiting her ashes.
Please say a prayer and think of my beautiful Hopie Girl, and know that she at least had one person who loved her literally to death.
~E
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